“Group hopes to pass Good Samaritan policy at college,” but really, the group just wants to get blackout drunk, pass out outside their Circle Apartment in a puddle of vomit, have a cop find them, and not get in trouble for acting like an idiot.

According to the Ithacan article, “the policy would grant amnesty (pardon, let them be idiots) to all people involved in the situation: the person who called Public Safety, and the person in need of medical attention.”

I suppose this is a good thing, to relieve students of getting in trouble when their holding the hair back of a student crouched over a toilet screaming “I think I’m dying, I’m never going to drink again! EVARRR!” in between spews of vomit. Just because you won’t get in trouble, doesn’t mean it’s okay to drink a whole bottle of rum.

amnesty international

thumbs up to this policy

Not that I advocate drinking to the point that you black out, but some of my fondest college memories come from watching friends who probably should have gotten medical attention, but we neglected to, and a certain friend would scream about “the staple in his fucking ear” from a 300 costume on Halloween, or when I had to tackle him because mid-vomit he almost confused my computer for the trash can.

The Medical Amnesty Protocol has been in effect at Cornell since 2006. Authorities “practice the policy so students are not afraid to ask for help,” and it “aims to increase the likelihood of students calling for medical assistance in an alcohol-related emergency.” According to the Ithacan article from November 12th, “the amount of calls to Cornell’s public safety office doubled while the amount of alcohol consumed remained the same compared to before and after the policy was passed.” The policy doesn’t make it permissible to drink yourself to death.

Students, drunkards, and idiots, I urge you to oppose the Good Samaritan Bill: It is for weaklings. Drink up, vomit in your trash can, and drink a glass of water before going to bed. Alcohol Poisoning isn’t that bad, you just pass out for a long time so your organs can focus on getting all the alcohol out of your body, it’s the closest you’ll get to time traveling.

I jest, of course, if you have a friend in need, go ahead and call the authorities, but I do not believe the Good Samaritan policy should be viewed as an excuse to drink in excess of excess.