Experience: Entry Level
Requirement: 2 years relevant experience
abuhh?
You can’t get the job without experience; you can’t get experience without the job.
“Go home and Google Sandra Lee’s cooking show. It makes 2 Girls, 1 Cup look like Sesame Street.” – Anthony Bourdain
“Alright, Ice Cream Man. It’s almost October. Just call it a summer!” – Lauren Fitzgerald, a quote revival from the fall.
“What phrase did people use in reference to (paraphrase ‘throw someone under the bus’) putting someone else down to make oneself look better, before the advent of public transportation, namely, the bus?” – I’m seriously curious about that. Also, you can’t do 100 seconds on a digital microwave. It only comes out to one minute (60 seconds). In that case, 99 seconds is more time than 100, digital microwave-wise.
“You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess. So pucker up!” – my father on getting a job or settling in on a career…
Why isn’t there a “degree” key on the keyboard. The best I can do is “*”, and that leaves my reader looking for an asterisked footnote, of which there is none! *seriously
Eggs (regardless of how they are cooked) and toast can be complimented by any number of condiments; ketchup, hot sauce, salt, pepper, butter. But French Toast – ultimately the same ingredients, are complemented by maple syrup, perhaps some powdered sugar, and butter. What gives. Why does the marination of bread in egg mix allow it to become a dessert? Butter stands strong in both incarnations.
“Boot cut jeans make me feel like a fucking cowboy!” – Brian Ivory
Honorable Mention: “Can tin foil catch on fire?” – Bives.
“I thought about doing sit-ups yesterday. I didn’t though.” – Andy Jacob
“Giving me this award is like NASA giving an award to Bubble Boy” – David Letterman
“I had fun spending the day with you and seeing your perspective of New York; The Ed Sullivan theatre, your apartment, Brooklyn, the Jews! I loved it all.” – My Mom, on her visit to the Big Apple. She loved seeing Hassidic Jews.
Every time I hear a siren passing, “I hope everything’s alright,” with varying inflection depending in personal mood, speed of vehicle, compassion for others. Respectively.
“And that’s what bein’ a scout’s all about!” – Marc Summers.
I work with a kid named Mike. The other day he was incessantly singing the same verse from a Foo Fighters song. I was tempted to ask, “Hey Mike, who sings that song?” and as he answered “Foo Fighte-“ I would interject, “Yeah, let’s keep it that way.” What a banal insult, though. Instead, I held off and he eventually began eating a bagel and talking with his mouth full. I asked what kind of bagel he had. With a full mouth he began to reply that he had a cinnamon-raisin bagel with cream cheese. I told him to “chew and swallow it before talking to me.”
If you find yourself in NYC, Take a ride on the Roosevelt Island Tram. IT IS AWESOME
“I mean, I want to be famous, but not for being a whacko that sings to showtunes.” – MariJo Paterniti
“Yeah, you should just litter that.” – Shall remain nameless
Do not worry if your job is small
And your rewards are few.
Just remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut, like you.
- Kid’s poetry book I had circa 1995
“Like most American men, I don’t know how much money is enough. Sometimes I think I got enough. Other times I think enough is just a little bit more than what I got.” – Dan Bern/ Most American Men
“A Frenchman today became the first limbless person to swim the Channel.” – http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/19/channel-swim-man-no-limbs
“We went to the beach for the first time in a while yesterday. Its not nearly as packed and there are no lifegaurds, so surfing and fishing are aloud. Its quite nice actually.” – Brian Ivory (I was trolling for typos)
“I need a job.” – Class of 2010
We all know someone who might be a hoarder. They can’t pass up a good deal. They’ll buy another one before using the one they’ve got. They can’t part with things. They’ll use it, they promise. Yeah, yeah, save it for someone who cares. They accumulate, accumulate, accumulate.
Here’s the revelatory list. You might be a hoarder if…
10. You keep extra “Fire” packets from Taco Bell, in case you want to spice up some food at home.
fire bad
9. You have more than one bottle of conditioner open at a time.
8. You have more than two piles of dirty laundry.
7. You need to follow narrow paths in the carpet to get from one place to the next.
stacks
6. You’ve noticed that parts of the bread are moldy. (“Some of it can be salvaged though,” you’re thinking. No. It can’t).
5. You keep something with no sentimental value that’s broken: “Hey man, I had to borrow a pen, but it wasn’t working, so then I tried another one I saw right next to it, and that one didn’t have any ink in it either. What’s up with that?” / “Oh, did you get it from my windowsill? Because that’s where I keep my dead pens.”
4. You always have something to blow your nose with. Often, it is either used, crumpled up in a tight ball, and from a fast food joint.
3. You have more than two flavors of cream cheese in your fridge. Both are opened and one is beginning to mold.
ehh
2. You collect “collections.”
1. You are oblivious of the shows Hoarding: Buried Alive and Hoarders.
Summer garb doesn’t allow for notepads to be kept in pockets. Accordingly, not a lot of good quotes get written down. But some were…
Manual labor always makes the domestic canned beer taste better. – Tim Shea
Meat is delicious. We’re supposed to eat it. That’s why there’s a food pyramid, and we’re at the top of it.” – Cousin Peter
You should read The Smoking Jacket. It’s the non-objectifying version of Playboy. Needless to say it’s all blank pages.” – Brian Manning
Pulled pork. There’s lots of it in Troy. – Christopher Winn
This new ionized water. It makes you younger… Well it makes you feel younger. – Co-worker Paul
Of course there is room for criticism. – Brian Ivory
“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food. The body, these waterheads imagine, is a temple that should not be polluted by animal protein. It’s healthier, they insist, though every vegetarian waiter I’ve worked with is brought down by any rumor of a cold. Oh, I’ll accommodate them, I’ll rummage around for something to feed them, for a ‘vegetarian plate’, if called on to do so. Fourteen dollars for a few slices of grilled eggplant and zucchini suits my food cost fine.” From Kitchen Confidential, p. 70.
If he comes to a city near you (which he probably will), check him out.
10. College Loans. Enough said.
9. I’m considering leases in a place other than Ithaca. It’s scary knowing that I’ll have to deal with landlords that aren’t complete pushovers!
8. Episodes of Seinfeld are beginning to look outdated. It was once a contemporary sitcom, but looking back at the plain jeans, the cordless landlines, and all the big hair – everything just looks… old! Aesthetically, it belongs up there with Cheers and Laverne & Shirley. Somehow, Julia Louis-Dreyfus gets better looking every year, though.What's the deal with the passage of time?
7. I’m reading more books out of personal desire and less out of compulsion.
6. Meals are planned ahead of time – many of which are cooked to suffice for two nights’ dinners.
5. I’m looking up more words in the dictionary.
4. In my move to the Bronx, I only brought one piece of wall décor – my Grateful Dead poster was deserted, a plaque abandoned, even a mirror ditched. An American Flag is the only thing on my walls. For some reason, the flag seems like an old-person –maybe senile – thing to bring.God Bless
3. I went to a Laundromat for the first time. Note to self: when looking at new apartments, choose one with a washer and dryer. Signage at the Laundromat read “No Running, No Screaming, No Scooters, No Ballplaying,” etc. Each of those things, along with excessive sweating and Ebonics were rampant in the Laundromat. Not to mention the quarters! Ohh, the quarters.
2. I utilize shoetrees.yeah, these things - circa your parents' closet 1995
1. I’m collecting business cards. This is a good thing though. Right?
Post-college life is upon us. Joblessness is a threat to many graduates, as is living in parents’ basements or becoming closeted alcoholics. But don’t fret:
Things could be worse.
There are some words that don’t rhyme but should. Like rough and dough, or patio and ratio.
And then there’s this list of words: Silver; Purple; Orange. Not only do these words represent colors, but no other word in the English language rhymes with silver, purple, or orange. Bizarre, right. At least blue and red rhyme with a lot of things.
Then we’ve got the word rhythm. Whoever invented the spelling for this word forgot perhaps the most fundamental and elementary rule of words: They can’t be comprised of only consanents. And don’t give me that “…and sometimes Y” excuse. Look at the second syllable: “thm.” That’s just not right.
And what’s up with iron. In my opinion, these are the two strangest words in the American language. How does the written “EYE-RON” produce the word “EYE-URN”?
Life’s mysteries, really. At least dictionary’s mysteries.
And there’s also a bone to be picked with chain stores that sell doughnuts. None of the major chains (Dunkin‘, Krispy Kreme, Tim Horton’s) spell the name of their flagship product correctly. To them, it’s all “donut.”
And hell, they can’t even spell the name of their stores well, either. Shouldn’t it be “DunkING?”
Last time I checked, “crispy” was spelled with a “C” and so was “cream.”
And for Tim Horton’s*, the founder’s real name is Terrence!
* I know nothing about the Tim Horton Franchise, and I would like to thank Tyler Gustafson – Ithaca ’11 – for opening my eyes to the Do(ugh)nut Travesty in the U.S.
If you like to read, read this: http://www.greattypohunt.com/
