Hoarding

We all know someone who might be a hoarder. They can’t pass up a good deal. They’ll buy another one before using the one they’ve got. They can’t part with things. They’ll use it, they promise. Yeah, yeah, save it for someone who cares. They accumulate, accumulate, accumulate.

Here’s the revelatory list. You might be a hoarder if…

10. You keep extra “Fire” packets from Taco Bell, in case you want to spice up some food at home.

fire bad

9. You have more than one bottle of conditioner open at a time.

8. You have more than two piles of dirty laundry.

7. You need to follow narrow paths in the carpet to get from one place to the next.

stacks

6. You’ve noticed that parts of the bread are moldy. (“Some of it can be salvaged though,” you’re thinking. No. It can’t).

5. You keep something with no sentimental value that’s broken: “Hey man, I had to borrow a pen, but it wasn’t working, so then I tried another one I saw right next to it, and that one didn’t have any ink in it either. What’s up with that?” / “Oh, did you get it from my windowsill? Because that’s where I keep my dead pens.”

4. You always have something to blow your nose with. Often, it is either used, crumpled up in a tight ball, and from a fast food joint.

3. You have more than two flavors of cream cheese in your fridge. Both are opened and one is beginning to mold.

ehh

2. You collect “collections.”

1. You are oblivious of the shows Hoarding: Buried Alive and Hoarders.

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Summer Quotes

Summer garb doesn’t allow for notepads to be kept in pockets. Accordingly, not a lot of good quotes get written down. But some were…

Manual labor always makes the domestic canned beer taste better. – Tim Shea

Meat is delicious. We’re supposed to eat it. That’s why there’s a food pyramid, and we’re at the top of it.” – Cousin Peter

You should read The Smoking Jacket. It’s the non-objectifying version of Playboy. Needless to say it’s all blank pages.” – Brian Manning

Pulled pork. There’s lots of it in Troy. – Christopher Winn

This new ionized water. It makes you younger… Well it makes you feel younger. – Co-worker Paul

Of course there is room for criticism. – Brian Ivory

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Nothing Beats Bourdain’s Candor

I’m planning to see Anthony Bourdain speak in a few weeks.
“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food. The body, these waterheads imagine, is a temple that should not be polluted by animal protein. It’s healthier, they insist, though every vegetarian waiter I’ve worked with is brought down by any rumor of a cold. Oh, I’ll accommodate them, I’ll rummage around for something to feed them, for a ‘vegetarian plate’, if called on to do so. Fourteen dollars for a few slices of grilled eggplant and zucchini suits my food cost fine.” From Kitchen Confidential, p. 70.

If he comes to a city near you (which he probably will), check him out.

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10. College Loans. Enough said.
9. I’m considering leases in a place other than Ithaca. It’s scary knowing that I’ll have to deal with landlords that aren’t complete pushovers!
8. Episodes of Seinfeld are beginning to look outdated. It was once a contemporary sitcom, but looking back at the plain jeans, the cordless landlines, and all the big hair – everything just looks… old! Aesthetically, it belongs up there with Cheers and Laverne & Shirley. Somehow, Julia Louis-Dreyfus gets better looking every year, though.

What's the deal with the passage of time?

7. I’m reading more books out of personal desire and less out of compulsion.
6. Meals are planned ahead of time – many of which are cooked to suffice for two nights’ dinners.
5. I’m looking up more words in the dictionary.
4. In my move to the Bronx, I only brought one piece of wall décor – my Grateful Dead poster was deserted, a plaque abandoned, even a mirror ditched. An American Flag is the only thing on my walls. For some reason, the flag seems like an old-person –maybe senile – thing to bring.

God Bless

3. I went to a Laundromat for the first time. Note to self: when looking at new apartments, choose one with a washer and dryer. Signage at the Laundromat read “No Running, No Screaming, No Scooters, No Ballplaying,” etc. Each of those things, along with excessive sweating and Ebonics were rampant in the Laundromat. Not to mention the quarters! Ohh, the quarters.
2. I utilize shoetrees.

yeah, these things - circa your parents' closet 1995

1. I’m collecting business cards. This is a good thing though. Right?

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Reassurance

Post-college life is upon us. Joblessness is a threat to many graduates, as is living in parents’ basements or becoming closeted alcoholics. But don’t fret:

Things could be worse.

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Life’s Syntactic Mysteries

There are some words that don’t rhyme but should. Like rough and dough, or patio and ratio.

And then there’s this list of words: Silver; Purple; Orange. Not only do these words represent colors, but no other word in the English language rhymes with silver, purple, or orange. Bizarre, right. At least blue and red rhyme with a lot of things.

Then we’ve got the word rhythm. Whoever invented the spelling for this word forgot perhaps the most fundamental and elementary rule of words: They can’t be comprised of only consanents. And don’t give me that “…and sometimes Y” excuse. Look at the second syllable: “thm.” That’s just not right.

And what’s up with iron. In my opinion, these are the two strangest words in the American language. How does the written “EYE-RON” produce the word “EYE-URN”?

Life’s mysteries, really. At least dictionary’s mysteries.

And there’s also a bone to be picked with chain stores that sell doughnuts. None of the major chains (Dunkin‘, Krispy Kreme, Tim Horton’s) spell the name of their flagship product correctly. To them, it’s all “donut.”

And hell, they can’t even spell the name of their stores well, either. Shouldn’t it be “DunkING?”

Last time I checked, “crispy” was spelled with a “C” and so was “cream.”

And for Tim Horton’s*, the founder’s real name is Terrence!

* I know nothing about the Tim Horton Franchise, and I would like to thank Tyler Gustafson – Ithaca ’11 – for opening my eyes to the Do(ugh)nut Travesty in the U.S.

If you like to read, read this:  http://www.greattypohunt.com/

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About Yourself

Months ago, Facebook introduced a feature – a box below one’s profile picture for users to “say something” about themselves. For many, this is a place to publish a personal creed, a meaningful quote, or a maxim summarizing the way they live their life.

For others, though, it’s just another way they can try to be funny. For example, Adam Berley took the invitation to “write something here” as a simple command. Below his profile picture reads, “something here.” Jim Walker’s confusion regarding the text box is evident: “what the fuck does this thing do?”

And then there are the more philosophical, the emos, the creative types. These are the types of people who put an ironic nickname in between their first and last name, or (even worse) spell their name foNETickly (phonetically) for Facebook’s sake. A fellow intern of mine from L.A. (who shall remain nameless and “nameless”) had a text box that reflected her concern for all of mankind: “My manifesto was not meant to be written in a 160-character text box.” Harrumph!

What does your text box say – more importantly, what does it say about you?

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How I Know I’m Getting Old

1. Spongebob Squarepants turned 10 years old. Last year.

2. I’m older than most college athletes I watch on TV.

3. I don’t get carded at the BevCent anymore (may be due to my frequent visits, but still…)

4. I recently had a conversation with my parents regarding the merits of doing crossword puzzles.

5. I’ve taken a liking to Scotch.

6. All seven housemates on the Real World: D.C. are younger than me.

7. My parents are upsizing from their recent downsize to accommodate for their grandkids’ visits.

8. I’ve begun thinking about unlacing my shoes before putting them on, in order to preserve the integrity of the back of the heel.

9. I actually carry around with me a classy pen that I got for Christmas.

10. I’m graduating from College.

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Quotes, Volume 4

On Thursday I headed into New York City, relatively unchartered territory, for a job fair and networking night.

“Get outta the way, Chewbaka.” – Fed, in traffic.

“Look at your skin color. You don’t fit in around here!” – NYPD

“I’m not trying to go to this thing sober.” – Michael Sokol

“You look like Ludacris.” – myself, to Toys “R” Us Employee, Times Square

“The cat is a boy. That means you’re gay!” – Zach Sweeney, in regard to CoCo

“I could go for a drink.” – Kelley Harrison

“This chair is God.” – Brian Ivory

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