Vancouver, BC – Olympics Update

  By Adam | February 1, 2010 - 11:42 pm | Contributors, Events

After being threatened by banishment via text message from thacant founder Riley, I figured I’d better race to my computer and type up a sizzling Olympics article to wow our audience.

I arrived in the beautiful country of Canada on Friday and checked out the Olympic digs. Guess what, VANCOUVER IS NOT READY. Who is shocked? They’re currently trying to create more lanes on the ONLY ROAD from the city up to Whistler, where most of the mountain events will take place. The other mountain, Cypress, doesn’t have enough snow and thus more snow will be helicoptered in to allow for the Games to go off without a hitch. Except for all those millions and millions of dollars they’ll lose. A family member suggested they get some Haitian refugees to help shovel snow on the mountain. I’m not saying it’s a good idea, I’m just sayin’.

A certain peacocked network (on top of the already well-documented Conangate) is expecting to lose $200 million to air these Olympics, even with the free help I (and many, many other interns) am providing them. As Riley has mentioned and I have confirmed, these all just seem to be symptoms of a global apocalypse striking a couple years earlier than anyone reckoned – it’s 2010 folks. The skies are gloomy, the streets are rain-soaked, and there’s no snow for the Winter Olympics. Vancouver is going to be ravaged with tourists and will come out on the other side much worse off than they were before the Games, if history has taught us anything. Obviously it hasn’t.

Anyway, I might as well have my fun before we’re all washed away, so look for me and my fellow Ithaca interns (shout out to ICLA’s own Lizzy V and any other IC folks who might come across this blog – I’m in room 922, so come around for a chat and a smoke!) as we try our best to hop in front of the cameras and get our mugs on international TV. In the meantime I’ve got a sick Official Staff badge that I intend to flash anywhere it may allow me exclusive access to clubs, events and/or important-looking buildings I otherwise would have no business being around.

I’ll keep you updated on all the exciting Olympic goings-on in the month to come, broadcasting straight from the hotel room in downtown Vancouver that is to be my home. Go USA!

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  • http://www.asifproductions.org Alexander Sharkey

    This should be an article entitled:

    El NiÑo

    2009-2010 man! I called it since early this summer. We’ve seen the biggest waves, not to mention storms, in Los Angeles since 1976. Check it out, WATER SPOUTS, these thing hit down on the pacific ocean this past storm of rain. I’ve seen them myself on the East Coast this past summer – look’s like the dementors out of harry potter, and i don’t even watch that shit (not that it’s bad). freak shit man. Anyway, this past rain storm brought the biggest unsurfable surf to CA and Mexico in 20 years – pier and bridge crushing waves. People’s homes where destroyed. But through it all Hawaii with the Eddie, the Volcom Pipe Master Pro, and california has seen it’s most consistent waves in over 3 decades, especially XXL waves – some pretty heavy shit. EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER IS SURFING. And just a heads up guys, last winter’s surf SUCKED. Wost in 30 years.

    To get to my point – The East coast has been having it’s coldest temperature and worst winter in history. The New Jersey coastline, DC, and Philadelphia had record snowfalls this past december. Florida even almost got a flurry – and by the turn of the newyear they had the plows ready – i was there (seriously).

    The Empire of Great Britain has had record snowfalls as well. Schools have been closed for days to weeks at a time. Snowfall accumulation that the Isles have never seen.

    Heck Australia experience deadly heat waves and then plagues of locusts for a dangerously long time, while India has recorded some of lowest temperatures in decades.

    Over 200,000 were killed in the Caribbean when Haiti was hit weeks ago. Following those shocks less than a week later ones of similar magnitude hit also off the coast in Gautamala. (this had nothing to do with el nino, it’s just the earth, but still – we’re talking about the apocalypse here – NO snow for the winter olympics!)

    And throughout it all most of the Northern Hemisphere is somehow adversely being affected by this El Nino. United not only in our need to wear immensely warm clothes or our determination to move massive bodies of frozen water by helicopters, but United in our struggle within the collapse (more like a structural fall or demise) of Capitalism and the American Western World we have become so comfortable with.

    But in the end… all of the the polar cap ice is melting and we’re all gonna drown.

    But all i got to say for right now is Fucking El Nño man!

    Keep it com’n Adam! Wish i could sit down in 922 – got some music for ya :) what’s your address?

    peace
    ~shark

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