The Public Safety incident log is climbing the ranks of being the highlight of my week.
We’ve got towers residents looting alcohol, people getting judicially referred for “burning a paper cup,” and now this:
PUBLIC LEWDNESS
LOCATION: Gannett Center
SUMMARY: Caller reported an unknown person was masturbating in public. 
Investigation pending.
…Where do I start?
Ithaca College offers many luxuries to students. One of these is high-speed internet. This is something to take advantage of – especially if your technologically deficient parents had slow internet at home. Watching porn on the platinum connection means you can nearly smell the sex.
Unless you live in a triple, like so many freshman have been forced into due to the unprecedentedly large class. It’s hard enough to predict your roommates schedule even if you live in a double, but to figure out the logistics of two roommates’ schedules could pose a problem.
Which would bring me to the next option: Get a girlfriend. This is college. Girls are loose, the alcohol is flowing, and the sex is (should be) rampant. Get some!
No need to jerk your nut in the library! Where did this happen anyways? Fifth floor? Did he finish?
The Incident Log is too concise for my desire to know the whole story.
Unless this kid has a public masturbation fetish, I see no excuse. Jerkoff.
