“Get outta the way, Chewbaka.” – Fed, in traffic.

“Look at your skin color. You don’t fit in around here!” – NYPD

“I’m not trying to go to this thing sober.” – Michael Sokol

“You look like Ludacris.” – myself, to Toys “R” Us Employee, Times Square

“The cat is a boy. That means you’re gay!” – Zach Sweeney, in regard to CoCo

“I could go for a drink.” – Kelley Harrison

“This chair is God.” – Brian Ivory

“Don’t think I don’t think about it.” – Darius Rucker, former singer of Hootie and the Blowfish

“If I’m paying for conversation, I’m gonna be the one doing the talking!” – Brian Manning, to his taxi driver, post New Year’s Eve Bash

“3 count downs at 12, 1 and 2. Because that’s the best part anyway” – Invitation to Thunderdome MMX: New Year’s Eve

“Please, you can call me Janice…” – a composed Janice Sokol

“It’s David. DO NOT call me Mr. Sokol!” – an irked David Sokol

They were about waist-high (for someone who stands six foot two), with white tiles and a large counter space below it. Remember the pull-out cutting board? We didn’t find ours until April! Social gatherings centered around these counters. Bottles of rum, pens, cell phones, keys and old copies of the Ithacan’t were common.

Looking through old cell phone pictures from the past year, I’ve been reminded of the fun we had around the counters.

similar colors about the counter

truly, a work of art

These creations atop the counter are the result of tinkering, malt liquor, and wonder, really.

Three cheers, this new year, to an unsung hero of Los Angeles – the Oakwood Apartment countertops!

Santa con (refresh and get a new picture every time!) started in San Francisco with as an anti-commercial form of “guerrilla street theater” mixed with “pranksterism.” (Wikipedia, here.) Since its beginning in 1994, originally called “Santarchy”, it has since spawned different events and adventures in different forms all over the world. The one that Sam participated in was all throughout New York City. There were meeting points in each borough to start a massive Santa pub crawl. It was reported that 5,000 (or more?!) Santas took place.

As soon as I heard about this, I had to share it with you.

On the last Friday of every month, the Beer Co. hauls a firkin – an antiquated term for a cask used to hold liquids, about eleven gallons – to Korova. Since the last Friday of the month is Christmas, the Beer Co. is bringing the quasi-keg over this Friday, the 18th.

If you don’t know what Korova is, it’s the seemingly nameless bar near Taste of Thai and Subway in the Commons. It’s usually got some cool chalkboard artwork hanging outside, and some bangin’ specials – $3 Guinness, yes please!

So if you’re still in town, get to Korova and you’ll be able to tell your folks that you drank from a fricken’ firkin!

5 – 7 pm

cheers

In my pre-legal-drinking-age heyday, this night was marked by 40s snuck into my parents living room, and a sunglasses/bread and water hangover on Turkey Day.

But now, I’ll go to the bars – something I’ve done regularly in Ithaca, but I’m a newbie to in Springfield. And based on my recent viewing of the local news, I might remain a newbie to the Springfield bar scene.

SpringField

Springfield has been ranked among the most dangerous cities in the U.S. So bad that a Facebook group, “Enough Violence in Springfield,” has been created. I’m not black, excessively strong, or well-versed in acting ‘urban.’ I don’t feel comfortable dealing with hippies and druggies hanging around the Ithaca Commons, or Stardust asking me for a cigarette outside Moonshadows. I don’t think I’m ready for gang members or low-life urbanites scheming on college kids home for the holiday.

Looks like I’ll stay in the suburbs, maybe some 40s…

According to the Ithacan article, “the policy would grant amnesty (pardon, let them be idiots) to all people involved in the situation: the person who called Public Safety, and the person in need of medical attention.”

I suppose this is a good thing, to relieve students of getting in trouble when their holding the hair back of a student crouched over a toilet screaming “I think I’m dying, I’m never going to drink again! EVARRR!” in between spews of vomit. Just because you won’t get in trouble, doesn’t mean it’s okay to drink a whole bottle of rum.

amnesty international

thumbs up to this policy

Not that I advocate drinking to the point that you black out, but some of my fondest college memories come from watching friends who probably should have gotten medical attention, but we neglected to, and a certain friend would scream about “the staple in his fucking ear” from a 300 costume on Halloween, or when I had to tackle him because mid-vomit he almost confused my computer for the trash can.

The Medical Amnesty Protocol has been in effect at Cornell since 2006. Authorities “practice the policy so students are not afraid to ask for help,” and it “aims to increase the likelihood of students calling for medical assistance in an alcohol-related emergency.” According to the Ithacan article from November 12th, “the amount of calls to Cornell’s public safety office doubled while the amount of alcohol consumed remained the same compared to before and after the policy was passed.” The policy doesn’t make it permissible to drink yourself to death.

Students, drunkards, and idiots, I urge you to oppose the Good Samaritan Bill: It is for weaklings. Drink up, vomit in your trash can, and drink a glass of water before going to bed. Alcohol Poisoning isn’t that bad, you just pass out for a long time so your organs can focus on getting all the alcohol out of your body, it’s the closest you’ll get to time traveling.

I jest, of course, if you have a friend in need, go ahead and call the authorities, but I do not believe the Good Samaritan policy should be viewed as an excuse to drink in excess of excess.

22oz

But lawyer Diane Reed of the California law firm Knobbe Martens Olson & Bear, claims that the title of the beer will undoubtedly cause confusion between the beer and Monster energy drinks, causing drinkers to believe they are consuming a highly caffeinated beverage. The case is still unsettled – the owners of Monster have not issued a cease and desist quite yet, and Rock Art Brewery owner, is fighting this, if anything, for the sake of all craft breweries.

But this got me thinking… Sparks was novel, Tilt was classic, Four Loko and Joose continue to be popular among college students as a means to, as peers of mine have so eloquently put it, “get drunk fast.” When will monster step into the alcoholic arena?

After pledging to never step into the energy drink market, the Monster parent company would not drop their legal attacks. Hmm – do I smell a Monstrous malt coming to Rogan’s in the near future? Will the majority of the college’s grades fall accordingly? I hope “yes,” to both.

I figured that the fanbase/general readership of this blog would be into this. I have read quite a few of the essays/chapters from this book- and it is QUITE a read. I highly recommend it: purely for fun, it serves no academic purpose but does have witty “smart” writing. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is on many college students’ bookshelves and is found in the “college humor” section (whatever that is….humor for adults perhaps? are we out to create a new genre—-YUP) written by Tucker Max- the most made up name you could ever try fictionalizing. He claims it all to be true and even though this reader hopes it is not- I’m glad it is because not only is honesty the best policy but it makes for the best reads. Enjoy.